Character Development - Shaylan Lagace

Shaylan Reid Lagace | Twenty-Five

It's My Life

Shaylan was the oldest child of Jon and Danielle Lagace. When she was three, Shay's little sister was born. Everything was great. Jon traveled for work every now and then, but every time he came home, he would bring his girls each a little something from where he'd been. For Shay, he always brought a tee-shirt that was too big for her; for her sister, a teddy bear; and for her mother, a necklace. Compared to some of her classmates, Shaylan had the perfect family. They were happy, they loved each other, no one was sick or dying or anything like that. Everything was just normal, and Shaylan would always take that for granted, never really realizing how great her family life had been. When Shaylan turned twenty-two, she got a phone call from her mother. It was her birthday-- it was supposed to be happy. Her father was in the hospital. He had had a heart attack. Shaylan's world was flipped on its head. She began to panic, wondering what she would do if her father didn't make it. She was at the hospital in five minutes, sitting at her father's bedside. For the first time since she was five, she prayed. Prayed that her father would recover, that he would live a long and healthy life. There were tears streaming from her eyes the day her father walked out of the hospital.

One of the Boys

Shaylan has been a tomboy from the start. She was never too interested in Barbie or tea parties or anything like that. She preferred running around outside and pretending to sword fight with sticks. As she got older, things started to change a bit, though. She found herself at least caring whether or not she showered and looked nice and all that, but she still held onto her old self. Shay loved sci-fi, Star Wars being one of her all-time favorite things. Not to mention video games, comic books, and other "nerdy" things that a lot of the other girls never seemed to be into. Or maybe they simply weren't as open and willing to admit it as Shay was. Whatever the case, she found herself getting along much better with guys than with girls at least eighty-five percent of the time. There were exceptions, of course, but not many. With few female friends, Shaylan latched onto guys, making herself one of their group, letting them be her best friends. Besides, so long as they all got along, who cared if her best friends were guys or girls? Shaylan liked hanging out with the guys, liked being the one to tell them they were idiots, liked laughing at their lame jokes and making her own. Telling them that jumping off the roof onto the trampoline in the neighbors backyard was a bad idea made her feel special, needed. She was the voice of reason-- even if she sometimes got out-talked and joined them in their stupid ideas.

Everybody Talks

Always hanging out with guys had the occasional downside. It wasn't really a problem until sometime in the eighth grade. That was when kids got curious and started asking if Shaylan was dating all of the guys she tended to hang out with. She denied it again and again, but with little to show for it. The fact that it bothered her wasn't something she would openly admit to. In fact, she only ever told her mother about it once when she'd had a particularly awful day. Sure, every now and again she would cry about it-- she did have feelings, after all, but she would get over it by getting a few headshots in Halo. The fact that it bothered her was one of the few things she never told her friends. They didn't need to know that it bothered her so much. The truth was, she'd never been like the other kids around her. She had never really found herself attracted to anyone. They were just...people. She never knew what having a crush on someone was like, not yet, anyways.

We Are Young

She was dead. Shaylan was, to say the least, shocked. Sure, she knew the stories and had seen the news before, but it had never been someone she had actually known before. Well, it had been, but not like this. This was a girl she had been friends with-- one of the few. The whole thing had really shaken her up. Despite never being the closest to her little sister, that night, Shaylan hurried home and hugged her, thankful that it wasn't her sister that had been found dead in the swamps.

This is a Suitable Valedictory

High School was over. It was time to decide where she was headed in life. Shaylan had no idea what she wanted to do. She considered the life of a starving artist, but she didn't much like the sound of "starving." She considered becoming a teacher. Maybe a high school English teacher where she could teach all about Star Wars and its transmedia presence. Or maybe kindergarten because the kids would be so dang cute. Then she had the idea that she should open her own pastry shop. That was before she realized that baking was way too much work. Video games seemed like a pretty awesome life path, but she wasn't really sure she wanted to leave the area, and the local college didn't offer much in the way of game design classes. Then it struck her-- be one of those mystery shoppers. But that was probably the worst idea she had ever had. So she decided to take classes at the local college as a liberal arts student. Four years later, she had BA in Liberal Arts. In the mean time, she had gotten a job at Penny's Pet and Supply Shop. Over the years, she went from being a simple cashier to the store manager. It wasn't necessarily the best job in the world, but it wasn't the worst, either. Besides, she could always go back to school if she found something she wanted to do more than manage a pet store.

Daddy's Girl

To My Father-

I never thought this would happen. I never even imagined that anything like this was a possibility.

You know, I can still remember all those years ago, when I was nothing more than a baby. You were, along with Mom, the center of my universe. You were my world, and you meant everything to me. Everything I did, I did for you, to impress you. For both of you, sure, but for some reason, I needed you to be the one that was proud. I always knew that Mom would love me unconditionally, no matter what, always be proud of me, but I needed to prove myself to you, needed to make sure that you would always love me, too.

It's not that I ever thought you didn't love me, of course-- I knew you did-- but there was something unstable, volatile, in your love. Maybe I was looking too deep. Maybe I was seeing your love for someone else, somehow.

Do you remember holding me on your lap? Do you remember how I worshiped you? Did you even notice that I did?

Once Quinn was born, I knew things would be different, knew I would have to share you. And for a while, it was okay. We were all happy, and everything was perfect. Then there was favoritism. It wasn't hard to see. I could tell, even at so young an age, that you would do anything-- absolutely anything-- for me, but for her, it wasn't nearly as likely. That's why you always bought her everything she ever wanted. Because you loved her differently. That's what it seemed like, then and now. Did you feel bad? Did you know you were spoiling her in a way that would ruin her? Did you care if you did? Or maybe you thought she didn't love you the way I did and you were trying to buy her love. Sometimes I wish I could read your mind. Most of the time, I'm glad I can't.

I remember missing you. Those nights you didn't come home from the office, those weeks you spent working away from home. I never expected things to go the way they did, but I can remember seeing the signs of it even back then. I had ignored them all, though. I wanted to pretend that everything was okay. Sometimes I still want to pretend that everything is okay.

I remember worrying about you. Once I had gone off to school, you seemed to sink into depression. You let it take over, cloud your judgments. Sometimes, I was sure it was my fault. I can still see, in perfect detail, the nightmare I had that first year I was at college. The nightmare about you. You had killed yourself, and when I woke up, I called Mom in tears to make sure it had only been a dream, nothing more.

Then things really started to change, you really started to change. There was a time when I was so sure you would have done absolutely anything for me, but when I desperately needed you the most, you refused to help. I didn't know how to handle your rejection-- it was something entirely new to me-- so I did nothing.

When I moved away, you seemed to grow worse, more depressed. But I was farther away, farther than I had ever been before, and I couldn't do anything.

I remember when I visited that last Christmas. I never would have thought then that it could be the last time I saw you. But you were so happy to see me. Maybe things weren't really as bad as they had started to appear-- I could hope, anyways. And it was almost like having the old you back again, but I knew something was wrong. It was like a sixth sense. Something just beneath the surface was different, and you were trying to hide it from me. When I left after that Christmas, well, that was when everything changed. Really changed. That was the beginning of the end.

It was only a few months later when I got that email. It was odd, very odd, and I didn't know what to make of it. It wasn't like you at all-- not the you I liked to remember, anyway. It was like you had gone insane, and I was scared.

Not long after that, you really messed up. You actually went insane, more insane than the weird email you had sent me. You weren't the Dad I had grown up with, had known, had loved. Mom wanted you to get help. All she did was care about you. And you refused. If it had been a simple refusal, though, things might have been different, but instead you told her you would never do anything for her, told her to get out if she didn't like it. You hit her. She took Quinn and ran-- not far, but she ran. You got yourself arrested, got a restraining order from Mom. I don't even remember how many times you violated that order and got yourself in trouble again and again. You scared them, Mom and Quinn. You hurt them. And you hurt me.

I had always believed you were someone I would always be able to trust, always be able to rely on. Then you went and did all that, all those things, and you changed. How am I supposed to trust you  again? I don't know if I ever can.

But I still love you. I have always loved you-- you're my father. And I'm certain I always will love you, but I can't trust you. And I want so badly to forgive you for everything, but it's so difficult. You ruined our lives, made us hurt so bad we didn't know what to do.

Most of all, you hurt me. I loved you in a way I will never love anyone else because you are my father, and you've always held a special place in my heart. I trusted you to always love and protect and support me, and you haven't. I don't know if you could even manage to protect me from yourself.

In the end, you'll always be my Dad, and I'll always be your little girl, but I don't know if I'll ever see you again. I don't know if I'll even ever want to see you again. I don't know if I'll ever trust you or be able to rely on you again, and when I think about my future, I worry about whether or not I'll want you to be a part of it at all.

So what I really want to say is this: you've hurt me, you've broken me, and I feel like I should hate you for it, but I don't. I can't.

I love you, Dad.

-Your Loving Daughter

Writing Doodle 009 - Two Sentences

So I saw this and decided to try my hand at it. These are the best I've got.

Waking up and feeling a body beside me reminded me of how much I had missed having another person in my life. Then I remembered I had come home alone last night.


You know how sometimes, you think you see something moving out of the corner of your eye, but when you look, nothing's there? That's me, and I'm coming for you.

Writing Doodle 008 - Worst Day

Have you ever had one of those days? It's just the absolute worst? Well, I had one-- or rather, I'm in the middle of having one. Everything that could possibly be going wrong, is going wrong.

First of all, my name is Iphigenia. I mean seriously, who names their child that? So that's my name, and so I decided to be professional and make my email have my name in it. That was a bad choice. I found out this morning that anyone trying to email me (and someone important was trying to email me) has a very high likelihood of spelling it wrong. Because it's a ridiculous name that is impossible to spell. I'm making a new email address...

That wasn't all-- I've been trying so dang hard to get a job. I've applied to basically everything there is. Now there's nothing left that I'm qualified to apply for. And, to top that all off, I've only heard back from like two places. And both were rejections. One of them came this morning.

Not to mention actually applying for these jobs is making me feel like I'm not even qualified for any of these jobs. At all. So I feel like crap about myself because I can't actually do anything worthwhile.

Then I got my period. I hate being a lady sometimes. So I've got these cramps, I'm flip-flopping between rage and sobbing, and I can't stop myself from eating literally everything in the apartment. I ate an entire large pizza by myself. Then I made some cookies, and I ate all of those, too.

I can't read my favorite book because I'm crying so hard.

I don't have cable, and the internet decided not to work. Even after I've restarted the router like forty times. My computer keeps crashing when I try to open a game or a website or...do anything. And my phone won't even turn on.

When I fall back into a fit of rage, I manage to start reading. I read for several hours, by which time it's about two in the morning. My phone turns on and notifies me of an email I just got. It's from my boyfriend-- the one I tried to text all day and couldn't. I could have really used a hug. Anyways, the email says that he just got home from the ER, but he's fine. Something happened with his car while he was changing a tire and his hand is broken, but he's fine. Now I'm freaking out because why the hell didn't anyone let me know my boyfriend was in the ER?!

So thanks, World. Thanks, Life. Got any more punches you want to throw my way?

A Love Story: Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Before I knew it, it was October. We had been together for four and a half months already. Four and a half! It was the longest relationship I had ever been in! Granted, it was the only relationship I had ever been in. Anyways, it had been four whole months, and every single time I saw him, or he kissed me, I felt butterflies in my stomach. I thought for sure this had to be what love felt like. What else could it be?

We had been hanging out at his dormitory-- yea, he was still in university housing-- and I decided it was time to head back to my own apartment. It was just a couple of blocks away. He decided to walk me there since he wanted to go to the computer lab that was in the next building over and do some work. We were standing on the steps that led up to the building. We hugged, we kissed, said good night and all that. And he said he loved me. I was sure he had said it. My heart leaped and bounded and the next thing I knew, I was telling him I loved him.

Back in my room, my heart was still pounding with the excitement of professing my love, for him telling me he loved me. I couldn't get the smile off my face. It was, by far, the absolute best day of my life. How could anything compare to it?

The next time we parted, I told him I loved him again. It was like I couldn't wait to get it out again and again and again. I wanted to constantly remind him that I loved him, that I really, honestly loved him. There was a slight pause before he said it back. It was strange. A small hiccup, maybe. But everything seemed to be good, so I just let it slip. It wasn't that important. Maybe his heart was just pounding as hard as mine had been. We kissed, said good night, and parted. Again, I couldn't stop smiling. Being in love was the absolute best feeling in the whole world. Nothing could bring me down. Nothing. And nothing had certainly ever made me happier.

* * * * *

Things went on fairly well for the next few months. Classes were going good, relationship was great. Everything seemed to be wonderful. Expect for money. Money was an issue. It was like I had hit a wall and suddenly my life had been turned upside down. My father was refusing to sell any of his collectibles so I could have the money I needed for my tuition bills. My mother was doing literally everything she could to get me the money I needed. I already had a loan and a scholarship-- what else could I do? I went to financial aid, but at a big school like Haskel, it was super impersonal and cold. I ended up seeing some old guy in this cold office. I was sobbing. He looked uncomfortable. He got me some paperwork and got me out of his office as quickly as possible. At least he'd given me a tissue to cry into.

After a terrible meeting with financial aid, I figured it would be nice to see my boyfriend. I went to his dorm and we hung out and I cried and all that. We started to get hungry, as people tend to do, but I couldn't afford to get food with everyone else. I would have to manage with a small grocery trip later on, but that wouldn't help me now. I was starving. They were all getting Chinese, and I was, admittedly, a bit jealous. But that wasn't the worst part. The worst part was when my boyfriend pulled me to the side and, instead of offering to buy me food, he told me I needed to stand up for myself against my father. He told me that until I called him and told him that he had to sell his shit and help me pay for college, he wasn't going to help me pay for anything. That I should starve if I couldn't stand up for myself. I could hardly believe what I was hearing, but I nodded silently. There was no point in fighting-- he was probably right, anyways. While everyone was eating the Chinese food that had been delivered to the dorm, I sat in my boyfriend's room, on the floor, crying. I couldn't remember the last time I'd eaten at that point. My stomach was so empty. I attributed my tears to the hunger. I'd be fine. I wasn't going to call my father, though. Trying to tell him what to do from tn hours away via phone would have been like talking to a brick wall. And not a friendly one, at that. So I just let it go.

I was eating less, but I was managing. I did most of my shopping at the 7-Eleven on the corner. It certainly wasn't healthy, but it was better than nothing. I put the comments about food and money behind me, pretending to have forgotten it all entirely. He never mentioned it again.

It was just a couple days later when my boyfriend introduced me to a game called Dragon Age: Origins. He was doing some homework of the non-digital variety, which left his computer open for my use. So I played Dragon Age for the first time. It was spectacular. I had never experienced anything like it before, and I loved it. I was having a great time. I must have played for about an hour, or maybe two, when I turned around to say something to my boyfriend only to find him asleep. I glanced at the time and realized it had been much longer than two hours. It had been nearly twelve. I was flabbergasted. I had had no idea that a game could pull me so far out of the real world so completely to the point of losing track of time. But this one had, and it was one of the best feelings in the world. I stood up to stretch and realized all of a sudden that I had to pee. Really bad. I bolted from the room-- nearly locking myself out-- and ran to the toilet. When I came back, I went back to playing. This time, though, only for about another hour and a half before realizing that I was actually incredibly tired. So I crawled into the bed with my boyfriend, since I would have had to wake him up to do the whole sign-out procedure thing with the dorm, and mushed myself against the wall. He was in the top bunk-- which had no safety bar-- and there was no way I was sleeping on the outside.

Few weeks later, it was the end of January. Valentine's day was in just a couple of weeks, and I was super excited. It was going to be my first Valentine's day as a not-single person. Ever. For all intents and purposes, it was kind of like Christmas. I was at my apartment when I got a call from my boyfriend. Something was up-- he hadn't been feeling too great for the past couple of weeks, not really himself-- so I asked if he wanted to get dinner or something. We met up and went to one of our favorite pizza places just a couple blocks from his dorm. We ordered our pizza, and when it got to our table, he looked miserable. I asked him what was wrong and he just kind of dismissed it. Next thing I knew, he was leaving. He said he'd be back and not to worry. So I ate in silence, worrying.

When he came back, it looked like he had been crying. He said he no longer wanted his pizza, but said that we needed to talk. Looking back, I should have seen it coming, but I hadn't. I had been so blinded by my worry for him that I had been completely oblivious. He tossed his pizza in the trash-- a waste of good pizza.

We walked, side by side, down the street. He was talking about Batman. Explaining how Batman is really just this normal guy. I don't remember much of what he actually said-- just that it involved comparing himself to Batman. He explained that he was depressed, and that when he was depressed, he needed to get rid of the thing that was making him depressed. Apparently, that was me. Or, at least, he thought it was me. By the time we reached my apartment building, he was crying. I was stone-faced, not a single tear on my face or even threatening. He was breaking up with me. I told him that I understood, and that he came first. It was okay. He hugged me, I hugged him. He was sobbing. I let him walk back to his dorm as I made my way up to my apartment where I curled up on my bed and cried harder than I ever had before.

Writing Doodle 007 - Cardboard

"You're turning into one of them!" He was practically screaming at her by this point. "Can't you see it?!"

She was almost in tears by then. Where had she gone wrong? As far back as she could remember, she had always just been herself. Desperately, she tried to pinpoint where she had started to change, when everything had changed. No matter how hard she tried, though, she couldn't figure it out. She still didn't feel like she had changed.

"You're turning into just another piece of cardboard. Soon enough, you'll be just another one dimensional piece of shit. Do you even care?!" She opened her mouth to respond, to tell him that she was still the same girl she'd been when they'd met, but he cut her off before she could get a word out. "If you ever decide to be a decent human being again, I'll be waiting. Get out of my apartment."

The next thing she knew, she was standing outside with the door slamming behind her. Tears raced down her cheeks.

Writing Doodle 006 - Just Like in the Books

My name is Lauren Gardler. I am seventeen years old. And I am going to solve a mystery.

It all started back when I was a kid. Real little, you know? My mom gave me this book about this girl who was a detective, right? And I thought it was just the coolest thing. She became my role model-- though, I can't recall her name... Something like... Macy Stew? Lacey Crewe? Whatever-- it's not really important right now, anyways. What's important is that I am going to be just like her. I am going to solve mysteries and become a teenage detective!

But it's kind of late, so I guess I'll start tomorrow. After school-- no, after homework. Then I'll find a mystery to solve! I can't wait!

Writing Doodle 005 - Whistling

You hear it don't you? The whistling. I can't be the only one who can hear it. Oh Lord, please. Someone please. Please tell me you can hear it! Please tell me I'm not going crazy! Wait...no. Wha-what are you doing?! Stop! Don't open that! No! Come back... Come back!

Shit. Shit shit shit shit. Sam? Sam?! Shit! Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit... 

AHHH! Shit, Sam. You scared the fu-- What? What is it? What's wrong. Stop it, Sam. Stop... Please. You're scaring me. No...please stop. Don't come any closer! Shit. You saw it, didn't you. It was out there. It was trying to get us, wasn't it. That's what the whistling was for...but you didn't... 

Sam!! SAM, SNAP OUT OF IT. Shit. Shit shit shit. I'm trapped. Sam, please! Please! I...I don't want to die... WHAT DO YOU WANT?! SAM, STOP. THIS ISN'T YOU! It's...it's that thing... 

I don't want to die... I don't wan--

Writing Doodle 004 - Scared

I have never been more afraid in my entire life. Sure, I've experienced "fear" and what not-- like when you watch a horror flick and then run down the hallway to get to the bathroom, or when you take a test after staying up all night cramming and still feel like you're going to fail-- but it's never been like this before. It has never been so...real.

For the first time in my life, I am no longer a student. I am an adult. Like a real adult. I'm supposed to have a job and make money and get married and have kids and all that...but I don't think I'm really ready. It's not just that, though. I don't have a job. It's been four months (a little over, if I'm being honest) and I still have nothing. I would have thought I'd gotten something by now. Anything. Even the worst possible job in my field, but no. Nothing. I have loans I need to start paying back soon. School wasn't cheap, man. Next thing I know, I'm going to have to get a job at the local grocery store. Then I'll get lazy. Then I'll get content. Then I'll stop even thinking about returning to my field as anything other than a long lost dream that I'll never be able to reach.

I don't particularly want to move back in with my mom, either. I don't want to become one of those guys who "lives in his mother's basement" for the rest of his life. That's just not me.

But, I mean, there's not much I can do at this point. I just have to keep applying to positions and hoping that one of them likes me-- that they want me or find merit in me and my skills. Or something like that. Guess I'll go put my application in at the grocery store. I'll need the money soon....

Writing Doodle 003 - Just Ask

Drops of rain slithered down the window. Each one seemed to carve a new path over the glass. Seb watched them with feigned interest as his mind wandered. It didn't wander just anywhere, though. It wandered to her. To Chloe.

He had known her for a couple of years now. They'd grown close and were great friends now. Sometimes, he would have sworn her female friends glared at him with jealousy when she would cancel plans with them to hang with him. Of course, he knew for certain that other guys were jealous of him. They all thought he was getting some. He wasn't. Not that he wasn't interested, though. God, was he interested. Probably why his mind kept focusing on her-- the color of her eyes, the way the corner of her mouth turned up when she smiled, how she stuck her tongue out when she was concentrating on killing zombies. She was perfect in his eyes.

Thunder rumbled louder than he had ever heard, shaking the pane of glass he'd been staring at and startling him out of his reverie. Seb blinked and looked down at his hands as they grasped the windowsill. 

Maybe if he just asked her out. The thought was coming clear in his head now. It couldn't really be as simple as that, though. Could it? No. There was no way. She would probably laugh at him. Or maybe think he was making a joke. Either way, he expected it would ruin the friendship. Sighing, Seb returned his gaze to the window, wondering if she would ever think of him as more than just a friend.

 * * * * *

If only he would just ask. Chloe stared at the rain as it hammered down against the earth with a ferocity she hadn't seen in years. With her elbow propped on the windowsill and her cheek in her hand, she sighed delicately.

She was a shy girl, never really reaching out for what she wanted, but letting it instead come to her. It was almost as if she didn't believe that she deserved anything she had to take for herself. Too humble, her mother would say. But that also meant she would never risk asking out the guy she was so desperate for-- Seb. They had been friends for so long now, and he had never even tried to make a move on her. It wasn't that she didn't appreciate it, but she was kind of itching for him to take the wheel and drive them forward on this one.

Thunder rumbled, shaking the glass she was staring at blankly. Chloe jumped, her hand falling away from her cheek in an instant. Maybe if she could just pluck up the courage and ask him, ask Seb if he would maybe want to go out on a date sometime-- a real date, not the friend dates they've always gone on, of course. Maybe he would even kiss her.

No, there was no way. She would never be able to drum up enough courage to ask him. If only he would just ask... Her mind went back to the same hope she'd been hoping since she met him and wondering if he would ever think of her as more than just a friend.