Anxious

It starts out like anything else

easy, approachable

it's not until you get there you realize:
nothing about this is easy.

how are you supposed to do this on your own

everyone expects you to do this, and
do it well, with ease

your heart pounds

your head swims

your lungs are tight as you try
to not gasp for air

the first tear falls, and you hastily
brush it away

before anyone can see that you
are not okay

if you ask for help, they'll see
you're struggling

they'll offer pity you don't want,
solutions you can't use

you'll smile politely and thank them

even though they've only made it
harder for you

you inhale deeply, ignoring the pounding
in your chest

this is your last chance to turn away

you almost do

then you remember

this is your dream

you build yourself up, use your friends
for support

you turn back to face it, and
it's not so scary anymore

even if your heart still pounds

your head still swims

your lungs are still tight as you try
to not gasp for air

the support of your friends feels
weak

but you know it's strong

tears fall like rain

and even though your friends
are there to support you

no one is there to help
wipe away the tears

you have their support but
you're always alone

Character Study - Gina Martin, The 100

**the following contains spoilers for season 3 of The 100**

A smile passed over Gina's lips as she thought about Bellamy. Shaking her head, she tried to free herself of the thoughts; she had more important things to do right now, like find those launch codes. But there was nothing helpful anywhere easily found. Guess today wasn't exactly their lucky day. There had to be a silver lining, though, didn't there? They weren't about to drop a missile on a Grounder city, for one.

"Gina to Raven, come in."

"I got nothing, no launch codes. Guess our luck is still holding."

Keep looking. It should have been easy, shouldn't have been a problem. As she leaned forward over the president's desk, over all the papers she's scattered there, a hand clamped over her mouth.

Fear gushed through her veins in that instant. No, this wasn't how things were supposed to go. The assassin was supposed to be in Polis, not here in Mount Weather. Gina's mind and heart raced. That was when the first stab of pain wrenched through her body. She was being stabbed. Over and over again. She screamed against the hand clamped over her mouth. No one could hear her. She was alone.

The stabbing stopped, so did her screams. Gina could feel the life draining from her body as she dropped to the floor. But she wasn't dead yet. There was a fire in her eyes as she watched the Grounder open the panel on the desk, watched as she lay sprawled on the floor, pain seizing every nerve in her body. Gina coughed and sputtered, blood slipping over her lips.

And yet she did nothing but stay there on the floor, watching this Grounder, listening to Raven hail her on the radio over and over. It didn't end like this. It couldn't.

Her mind wandered to Bellamy, and she worried. If she died here today, would he be alright? Would he let the guilt consume him? Would he miss her?

Tears fell from her eyes as she tried to stop herself from crying out in pain and fear. She was still alive, though. She could still do something. The fight hadn't been knocked out of her just yet, even if she could feel herself dying with each drop of blood that left her body.

Forcing herself to move, Gina knew it was a death sentence, but she had to do something. She dragged herself over the floor, around the desk. Propping herself up, she looked at the panel. Self-destruct Initiated.

"Raven, we got a problem. A Grounder set off the self-destruct sequence. He has the codes on his arm. You have to get them."

Only the code could stop the sequence now. With the radio in her hand, she waited, she hoped. Bellamy had fallen for the Ice Nation's trap, but maybe, just maybe, they were good enough to stop this.

More and more blood was spilling from between her lips as she grasped the desk, begging it to support her, to hold her up. She believed in Raven, one of her closest friends. Raven would get the codes, they would stop the self-destruct. Everything would be okay.

Raven's voice reached Gina's ears over the radio, "How much time, Gina?"

"Forty-five seconds, Raven." She tried to keep the pain, the death out of her voice as she spoke. Even if they managed to stop the self-destruct, Gina felt pretty certain she wouldn't survive this.

Gina watched as the time ticked away, waiting for Raven to radio with the codes, but everything was growing so dim. Darkness was creeping in, and Gina knew she would die before she could save the lives of everyone left in Mount Weather. I'm sorry, Raven... I wanted to be there for you.

Tears came unwilled as Gina slumped over the desk, her blood everywhere. As the darkness consumed her mind, as she sat there dying, her last thought was with Bellamy: Bell, I'm so sorry. I couldn't save them. I couldn't be a hero. The light of the countdown reflected in her unseeing eyes as it ticked down to the death of all the innocents still inside Mount Weather.