Writing Doodle 033 - Sacrifice

Imagine you're in love. Imagine you've loved that person almost the entire time you've been together. Imagine it's been a couple years, maybe even almost two and a half. Imagine the person you love explaining to you that they don't love you - that they've never loved you. Imagine asking why they've stayed with you for so long if they don't feel the same way about you as you do about them, and imagine they say they had hope that they might just wake up and feel that way one day. Imagine that you believe that wanting to love someone is really the first step towards being in love with them. Imagine you cry. A lot. Imagine the person you love is going to get a job far away and move. Imagine they don't want you to go with them. Imagine how hurt you feel when you remember the one time, over a year ago, when you asked and they said, "well, you'll have to come with me!" and you were so happy that things felt like they were working out the way you'd always imagined. Imagine that you'd decided years ago you wouldn't leave your job and move for anyone unless you were sure they were "the one." Imagine having decided you'd move for this person you love. Imagine realizing you never loved anyone before, not like this. This is different. Imagine being on the brink of depression, and that person being the only bright spot in your life, keeping you from teetering over the edge and losing yourself completely. Imagine they don't get that job. Imagine them devastated, and you feel like it's somehow your fault because you wanted to stay with them so badly. Imagine they still want to break up because they still don't love you. Imagine that they don't know how to do it, so they keep putting it off, avoiding you more and more. Imagine wanting to spend one more night in their arms, but they won't stay at your place anymore. Imagine sobbing harder than you ever have before in your entire life, your whole body in pain, and you don't know how to deal with it. Imagining feeling so alone that you almost believe no one else has ever felt this much pain and heartbreak before in the history of the universe, even though you know that can't possibly be right. Imagine deciding you'll be the one to end things because you can't take being avoided by your love any longer. Imagine you go to dinner as a couple one more time. Imagine it's basically perfect. Imagine you stop at the store before parting ways. Imagine you get in the car, and as you're driving back, you do it. You end the relationship. Imagine wanting someone else's happiness so badly that you sacrifice the only happiness you have. Imaging wanting to stay friends, but hoping you never have to see the person you love with someone else, even if you do just want them to be happy. Imagine never regretting a single moment they spent with you, but wanting to forget every second of it. Imagine being alone the night after you've broken up, and no one's around. You're completely alone. Imagine crying harder still, so hard that you're actually screaming. Imagine you're so unhappy that you've lost the will and the desire to do anything. But at least the person you love is happy now, at least you could do that one last thing for them. Imagine hoping that they appreciate your sacrifice, and that they don't realize just how much it ruined you.

Writing Doodle 024 - Don't Cry

tw: suicide

Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I still care. I wish I was still there to text you "Good morning Girl Scout!" every day.

I'm here for you, even though you can't see me, or hear me, or feel me. I know you miss me... I can hear you all, and it hurts so much, I would almost do it again. I guess sometimes we just don't think things through. This was one of those times.

But don't you worry, 'cause every time you go to Taco Bell after work, I'm right there with you. I'll always be with you, watching over you.

And just because you never told me how important I was to you doesn't mean I don't know. I can still see everything you post, and I know. I know you were my best friend and I let you down, and I'm sorry.

All those texts you want to send me? Yea, I know about them. Of course I think that thing was funny, too. I'm laughing up here, even if you can't hear it at all.

So, I just want to let you know that I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I hurt you like that, but please don't do what I did. Please remember that you are special and there are so many people that love you. I love you, even if I'm not there to show you that I do anymore.